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I've Made It from the Bed to the Couch. There's No Stopping Me Now

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Best Argument Against Democracy Is a Five Minute Conversation with the Average Voter

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Thank You, Horseradish, for Being Neither a Radish nor a Horse. What You Are Is a Liar Food

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Life Is Hard; It's Harder If You're Stupid

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I Saw a Study That Said Speaking in Front of a Crowd Is Considered the Number One Fear of the Average Person

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Everybody Talks about the Weather, but Nobody Does Anything about It

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Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool Than to Speak Out and Remove

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I'm Actually Not Funny. I'm Just Really Mean and People Think I'm Joking

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I Haven't Spoken to My Wife in Years. I Didn't Want to Interrupt Her

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Finally My Winter Fat Is Gone. Now I Have Spring Rolls

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I Wanted to Be a Priest at One Point. I Was Pretty Religious. I Was an Altar Boy, and I Was Good at It. Then, I Started Meeting Girls

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All the Things I Really Like to Do Are Either Immoral, Illegal or Fattening

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Knowledge Is Knowing a Tomato Is a Fruit; Wisdom Is Not Putting It in a Fruit Salad

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Nothing Prepared Me for Being This Awesome. It's Kind of a Shock. It's Kind of a Shock to Wake up Every Morning

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